Tuesday, December 20, 2011

The Christmas of Reduced Expectations

As you may have ascertained from my last blog post, Christmas is, by far, my favorite holiday. Well, this year it just isn't feeling much like Christmas. You see, we had this grand idea to paint the bedrooms and we figured it would be a breeze. Not so much. The grand plan to paint over the wallpaper resulted in epic failure, which thereby resulted in wallpaper removal. We worked ourselves like crazy trying to get it done so that we could get to the actual painting part of the project. Mind you, our furniture was in the living room, laundry everywhere, our kitchen a disaster, and every surface covered with what looks to be the vomit of the clutter monster. Me and my big ideas. (Insert big shout-out to my Mom, Kevin, and Grace who have all given their time to babysit Julia during this process. Couldn't have gotten this far without you!)

Thankfully, the rooms are a lot farther than they were but we, of course, thought we would be done by now. We also started Julia's room so her furniture, too, is everywhere. Everyone is sleeping in the TV room and the house still looks like it could be the subject of a "Hoarders" episode. On top of all this, I've come down with a wicked cold. Go figure. For a week I didn't get enough sleep and worked too hard. I'm supposed to be working on the painting during naptimes this week, but I can't go more than 5 minutes without blowing my nose, let alone finding the energy. I've had to turn down invitations to see people, miss out on Christmas events that I had wanted to attend, and the idea of hosting Christmas dinner is becoming more of a dream than a reality.

Therefore, I am officially dubbing this the "Christmas of Reduced Expectations." It's hard not to feel like the Grinch has swept in and stolen Christmas, but then I have to remember what we learn in the end. Is Christmas about the presents, the house out of Better Homes and Gardens, and everything being picture perfect? Not so much. Am I still depressed about this whole situation? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't, but I am trying to mantra myself into submission: This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass. This, too, shall pass. Maybe this is the year that Christmas wasn't all I had hoped it would be, but you know what? It will be good enough. The cookies WILL get baked on Christmas Eve (me not bake? ha!), we WILL get to look at Christmas lights, Santa WILL come, and we WILL see the people that we love. Another plus? We'll have a room that doesn't depress me every time I walk in and that I can be happy to bring a baby into when it's all said and done.

Evil wallpaper.

Wallpaper removal. Ugh. Notice the lovely emerald green underneath.


Actual painting! (After 2 coats of primer- Jerre, you're amazing.)


Almost done.. trim/windows/doorframes to go.


And now ends the Christmas portion of the blog. It's been a while, so here is the baby update. Feel free to stop reading now. It's okay, really. I won't be offended.

Just in case you missed the memo, it's a girl. More importantly, she's healthy and happy- knock on wood. Of course, now that that big question is answered, the immediate question on everyone's lips is, "Have you thought of names??" Answer: Not really. And, even if we had, no one will be finding out until this baby is born. Sorry, y'all. That's just how we roll. I've heard too many stories from people who revealed the name only to have to deal with people's strange reactions and negative comments. No, thank you. The great thing about waiting until after the big event is that it's a done deal! It's kind of like eloping- it's too late now, so there's no point in being a negative Nellie.

I'm pretty sure they're going for the length, rather than width, comparison.
Baby is moving a lot more, too. She tends to get going especially when I lay on my right side for whatever reason. They're just little kicks; somewhat tickley. Her eyelids now have tiny eyelashes and can open and close. She can also suck her thumb and grip firmly with her hand. She can hear my voice or other nearby sounds. Cool stuff.

How's Mom? Sick of my maternity clothes. Feeling big with 4 more months to go. Disgusted by moms who look like they are supermodels who shop at REI and whose children look like fashion plates. Tired. Exercise? That's hilarious. Feeling unprepared. I know it will all happen, but it's going to take some doing to get our house ready (aside from the painting fiasco). This house is smaller than the one that Julia was brought home to, and I'm trying to wrap my brain around where the baby paraphernalia will go. Oh, well. This, too, shall pass. Repeat.

Through all this, I am attempting to keep my optimism. Key word: Attempting. I have the sinking feeling that I have become a lot less fun than I used to be. When I think about Christmas last year, or even just last year in general, I remember that we went a lot more places and did a lot more things than we are this year. Maybe that's okay. Life isn't about checking off boxes on a checklist. Maybe, just maybe, it means a little bit more.      

Monday, November 21, 2011

Christmastime is here... happiness and cheer...

I always have a mental list of things that I want to do around the holidays to get in the spirit of things. You probably have yours, too. Hope you find some inspiration here if your list is rawther short. They are in no particular order- they're just all fabulous.

1. Watch holiday movies/TV. Big shocker, there. My top choices: Scrooged, One Magic Christmas, Meet me in St. Louis, Charlie Brown Christmas Special, The Grinch who Stole Christmas, and sometimes Little Women. Although I do love It's a Wonderful Life, I've been unable to find it in widescreen so I've skipped it the last few years.

2. Sit and watch the tree. My Mom and I would do this when I was young. Turn off all of the other lights and music. Sit, in quiet, and ponder its beauty. Along with this, decorating the tree is one of my favorite things. In this category, send and receive Christmas cards. I like to hang up a pretty ribbon somewhere and clip to it all of the cards we receive.



3. Downtown. This one packs a lot of bang for its buck because you get a lot of holiday in only a few square blocks. Of course, drop by Pioneer Courthouse Square to see the tree. I recommend this several times in December. People watch. Then wander Pioneer Place Mall and soak in the over-the-top decorations. Make Moonstruck Chocolates a part of this visit. Then mosey over to Macy's and look at Santaland. Forget the picture with Santa- too expensive. Just enjoy the flashback to childhood and the animatronic reindeer. Don't forget your hot chocolate stop to keep you going through this loop.

4. Powell's/Finnegan's. There's something about bookstores and toy shops around Christmas. Finnegan's has recently changed locations, so be prepared for a shock. Kids at Heart on Hawthorne is a good alternative. In fact, Hawthorne in general is very holidayish. Especially on December 10th when they have their "Holiday Stroll." Click on the link for details. There's a Powell's there, too, and fabulous Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Think they'll have Peppermint?

5. Drive around and look at Christmas lights. Fellow Portlanders, you know all about Peacock Lane. Skip that insanity and drive around your neighborhood. Get lost in the 'burbs looking at displays. Those are the best kind anyway.

6. Bake. Or enjoy someone else's baking. There are a few recipes that I especially reserve for this time of  year. For instance, apple crisp, rolled Christmas sugar cookies, buttermilk chocolate chip scones (a recent discovery last year), and cinnamon swirl bread. Mmm.




7. Zoolights. This is becoming a tradition since we've had Julia and have a zoo membership. Get there early when it opens on a weeknight if you want to avoid the craziness. Definitely hit the coffee stand for a hot beverage and bundle up! Rain gear is essential.

8. Christmas music. Don't overdo, but definitely get a taste. Sing your favorite songs when no one is listening. Get Frosty the Snowman stuck in your head. It's all good.



9. Church- if it's your thing. They're going to start breaking out the Christmas hymns. I don't love the Christmas Eve service, but I do enjoy the Christmas Pageant. This is a long-standing tradition at the First Unitarian Church that goes back nearly 90 years. I enjoy tradition, and apparently this year they are going to make some changes??!!? I hope they enhance the already inspiring production.

10. See some snow. Drive up to the mountain and do something mountainous, whatever that may be. We went sledding last year and it was great. If I were childless, I might opt for dinner at Timberline or some such thing. If you're feeling a little more Scroogy, then top this off by watching "The Shining" and dreaming about New Year's Eve.

Well, a top 10 list sounds pretty good. Sorry if they seem chiche. Holidays are all about rituals and traditions. I hope that you find yours this Christmas season.  

Friday, November 11, 2011

Knock, knock...

Apparently someone is at home, and they're being very quiet. This is pregnancy blog no. 2. Hopefully you aren't burned out already, but I'll keep it brief.

First, I forgot how many times you get asked, "How are you feeling?" when you're expecting. Seriously? How am I feeling? I start to think that I'm an invalid. It's nice of them to ask, but I really have nothing to say right now. I think I'm in that sweet spot between the first trimester ickiness and the 3rd trimester torture. I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts. Even if I werent' feeling great, what am I going to do? Launch into the excitement of wearing a maternity support brace? Peeing all the time? WADDLING? Somehow, I don't think they want to hear it. The good thing is that I'm definitely past the point of "Is she just fat or is she pregnant?" It's nice to be out there a little more so hopefully there isn't any doubt to the passerby.

16 Weeks!

The only other question on everyone's lips, "So have you found out yet?" Answer: No. I'm at 16 weeks as of today and the ultrasound won't be until 20 or 22 as I recall. Whenever anyone asks how I'm feeling, I automatically segue into the gender discussion to head them off at the pass. Oh yeah, question number 3 is usually, "What are you hoping for?" Answer: A baby.

I took Julia swimming today and was reminded of the excitement that a maternity swimsuit can bring. I'm pretty sure that I look like a giant black monstrosity. Lets just say that it's less than flattering, but do I want to buy something else? Not really. Women who wear bikinis while pregnant make me want to throw up. What else makes me want to throw up? Women who don't get one stretch mark after blowing up like a giant balloon. Lets just say that bikinis are definitely NOT an option. Ever.

I also have been trying to combat the feeling that I should be doing something right now. Last time around I think I had already bought a bunch of baby clothes, was carefully researching cribs, and had started on a pregnancy journal. Well, I think I started to feel guilty so I did start a pregnancy/baby journal of sorts. It's actually a Golden book of Hansel and Gretel that was made into a blank book. Thank you, Powell's. I think it's sweet because it has both a little boy and girl on the front and includes the whole story before the blank pages begin.

Illustrated by Eloise Wilkin. Love it.

So far, I've recorded how we found out and things like that. I looked back at the pregnancy journal that I had done for Julia and found it very cute that my Mom had the exact same reaction with Julia as she did with this one: "Really?" Apparently, she is consistent! Shout out to amazing Mom and Grandma here.

Also looking forward to beginning the "Baby movie series" at movie night with Katie, Marla, and Marie! My fabulous friends concocted the ultimate list of baby movies and we are going to watch one a month up until April. Some of my favorites on the list? "She's Having a Baby" and "Father of the Bride 2."

In general, things are pretty good. Hope they're going well in your world, too. I'm super looking forward to a week off for Thanksgiving and then the whole Christmas season. I completely don't mind that some radio stations are already playing the Christmas music and that the stores are decked out already. I just bask in it. Dug out the Christmas book stash today (I seriously freaked out for about half an hour when I couldn't find where I had hidden them) and can't wait to decorate. I'll try to hold off until the day after Thanksgiving. Lets all just remember that Christmas doesn't come from a store. For me, it really isn't about the shopping (which I keep very minimal), but about the experiences. Zoolights, seeing THE tree, Macy's Santa Land, driving around to look at lights, the Christmas Pageant, Christmas movies, baking, etc. I think I might just have to buy baby a stocking.   
Zoolights 2010

    

Monday, October 24, 2011

Baby is just peachy

I don't want to be one of "those people" that only talks about their baby or kid... but surely a blog entry here and there won't hurt? A good friend of mine (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) said that she really enjoyed another pregger lady's blog that included the fetal size comparison to various fruits and vegetables. This week's is particularly sweet.

It's a peach! And this song just brings it all back, doesn't it? I remember singing this in Algebra. Good olde Mr. Archer: The Pun Master.



Week 13. I'm feeling a little more "official," but it's still strange to know that something (someone) is growing in there. As with the first pregnancy, it is all a little surreal. It's funny how you can consciously make a deliberate decision to have something happen, but then you feel powerless once it does. Yes, I chose to enter into this but now it feels like a runaway train that I can no longer control. Perhaps you can relate this analogy to another area of your life. I'm sure we've all been there in some respect.

Here are some cool things about baby: Can kick, stretch, and swallow, has wrists and ankles, tiny fingernails, and unwebbed fingers and toes, has eyelids (can't open yet!), has earlobes, and can flex fingers and toes and make a fist. According to one baby development book, baby can even purse her/his lips and wrinkle her/his forehead to form a frown. Ha!

I've been trying to pinpoint how I'm feeling about mysterious baby no. 2. It feels different this time- not physically, but mentally. If this were the first pregnancy, I'd have my nose buried in name books and be poring over my pregnancy books nightly, eagerly soaking up every bit of information. I'd be writing in my pregnancy journal and buying scrapbooking supplies. This time... well, lets just say that things are a bit different. This is due to several factors, most of which are probably obvious. A toddler to take care of, the fact that I've done this before, a crazy year at work, the idea of taking care of a newborn and a three year-old, the list goes on. I guess the term to describe how I feel so far is "laissez-faire." Poor baby.

I'm hoping that as baby gets bigger, this will all start to feel more real and more exciting. Feeling that first recognizable kick with Julia is an experience I will never forget, and they say that might happen sooner this time around. Finding out the sex of baby will also start to build baby's identity. Can't wait for that. An informal poll of my students has boy in a strong lead ahead of the girl camp. It's anyone's guess! I really can honestly say that I don't have a "feeling" either way. All I have to go on is that I physically feel similar to the first pregnancy, but who's to say I would feel different if baby is a boy? However, I did have more cravings in the very early stage than I did with Julia. I couldn't get enough cheese and eggs. One day I had eggs with cheese for breakfast, a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch, and I seriously had to stop myself from making a cheese quesadilla. Place your bets now. The next ultrasound should be around 20-22 weeks which will fall in mid-December. A nice gift for Christmas, to be sure.

I think the best part about this baby has been the fun of telling Julia all about what is going on. Telling her that there was a baby in Mommy's tummy was hilarious. She took a long pause and then proclaimed, "I'm going to be a big sister!" Priceless. She's been putting stuffed animals up her shirt and saying that she's going to have a baby and that it has to grow and grow in her tummy before we can hold it. She then pulls it out and tells us to ask to hold the baby. You have to admit: That's pretty sweet.

Thanks for reading. I won't be doing a baby update every week because, seriously, that would get old. Maybe every couple of months. Sound good?

Here are some of the picture highlights from previous weeks (I left out the green olive and prune):




Tuesday, October 18, 2011

For All That is Our Life

We can all name the things that had great influence upon us when we were growing up. In this day and age, I think it would be rare to have someone not list some sort of a TV show, movie, or other "pop culture" phenomenon that would fall into this category. In fact, we often define our youth by what was happening in the world at the time. Remembering where you were when... or the songs that you grew up dancing to. These shared experiences are an unspoken bond with those of our generation.


I recently was reminded of the show "The Wonder Years" by a friend of mine (who is, of course, the same age as I. Shout out!). I have started to watch episodes again and, I swear to you, I've remembered every single one so far. For one thing, Fred Savage was my first true love. As you wish, baby. As an 8-10 year old girl, I lived and breathed for Fred Savage, or Kevin as he was known on the show. Oh, the attraction of a good old-fashioned American boy with a baby doll face.

Fred Savage, take me away.

"Little Monsters" and "The Wizard" also had me swooning. The show wasn't just about the cute kid who starred. More importantly, it tackled big issues that I remember distinctly today. One episode in particular stood out to me- the one where the uncle or neighbor is caught smoking pot in the basement at a party. The one where Karen and her guy are presented with a cake that is emblazoned with "Alaska or Bust" before they had told her parents of their plans. And lets not forget all of the other growing up and relationship issues that I found myself relating to, or at least wishing I could relate to.

As I grew up, so, too, did my generation and the media we were so entwined with. High school was defined by "My So Called Life." I really thought I was Angela deep down inside. I was lucky enough to have parents that could find value in the show and would watch it with me. I think that it was a way for them to connect with what I connected with. Do you remember the one where her friend ODs and her mom knows exactly what to do? That is certainly one I will never forget. Or the one where her friend runs away and Angela declares that, "That could be me" and her mom adamantly disagrees? (Not complaining about Jared Leto, either.)

My So-Called Life

Music, too, can define a generation, even if it may not be the "defining" music of your own. One of the most momentous moments of my early years occurred circa 5th grade. My radio station of choice at that time was the oldies station (KISN FM!). (Side note: I switched to Z100 once and was shocked and appalled to hear "I wanna sex you up!" It was like I had stumbled on the secret porn stash that no one is supposed to find. I quickly turned the station and didn't venture into that territory again for quite a long time. As I was saying...) They played a song that I was so struck by that I went down and asked my Mom if she knew the one that goes, "We can work it out, we can work it out." Little did I know that I had stumbled upon the group that would forever change my adolescence. I think my Mom was thrilled. She launched into the world of The Beatles, explaining what a big deal it was when she was growing up. She showed me her Beatles scrapbook full of clippings and other memorabilia and told me the story of when her Dad came home with a Beatles wig (I need to get the full details on this;  it's been a while since I've heard that one. If you knew my Grandpa Ted, you would be laughing at the thought.)


I went on to launch my own version of Beatlemania in Milwaukie. I made ceramics projects at Rowe of the Beatles logo, collected their music, and sewed Beatles patches on my backpack. Can I just say that my backpack was amazing? I took the backpack to a whole new level at MHS. No generic Jansport crap for me, thank you very much.

I dug this picture out of one of my diaries. The back proclaims, "The grooviest backpack in the ENTIRE WORLD."


Here is the entry that references the picture. I think you get a picture of what I was "into" at the time. I had to omit one part that references an actual person- in a good way. Props to AM Studies- Shout out to Ms. Becker!

Soon I was also into all other things "hippie." I wore tie dye and Birkenstocks (purchased in the country of origin), grew my hair long, and could quote the loudspeaker announcements from the Woodstock album. My parties became "love ins" with incense and flower power. My Mom and I drove way down 82nd to some random video store to rent "Yellow Submarine" for one such occasion.


The founding members of the love-in crew. We're such kids!


Inevitably, the parties got bigger and better. Good, clean fun, don't worry.

I'm sure you have your own version of the experiences I have recorded here. Books, music, TV... these can compose some of the predominant experiences of our lives. We cannot deny their ability to affect who we have become. There is simply not room enough in one entry to include books, so I shall have to ask you to be patient, dear reader. In the meantime, consider all that is your life and what has shaped the person you are today.
Bonus pic: "Laura's room 1997" Was your room this groovy? Dig it, man.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I am woman, hear me scream.

I've always heard that children have a preference for one parent or the other. Some parents I've spoken to claim that a child's preferences can change over the course of time. I forgot to ask how I can directly manipulate my child's brain to be reprogrammed. Big mistake. Sometimes I think that if I hear, "I want my mommy!" one more time, I might just run screaming into the streets.



It's no wonder women haven't conquered the world as everyone claims that we are able if we only wanted to. Granted, women have come a long way in the last 100 years, so props to us. Women have, in general, come out of the kitchen and into the workforce. In fact, more women are now earning college degrees than men. Atlantic Monthly has summarized "The End of Men" quite well, so I'll leave the arguments in favor of womens' world domination to them. 


However, it seems to me that many of these advances have come at the cost of child-rearing. The career advances often come with a choice to put off motherhood or abandon it entirely. In industrialized nations, people are having fewer children and the age of first-time mothers is increasing. This is in stark contrast to the majority of the population of the world that seems to be popping out babies with no problem. 


National Geographic's special series on 7 billion can be found here: 7 Billion. If you're short on time, check out the photo gallery and "The Face of 7 Billion." Have a little more? Read the article in its entirety. World population growth deserves a blog of its own, but bears referencing here. There is a stark dichotomy between womens' roles across the world. Do some pondering of that on your own.

Back to the motherhood question. Although many women are adept at balancing career and family amazingly well, it seems to me that we are torn between these two opposing forces. The demands of being a mom are huge. The demands of a career are huge. What's a girl to do? During the school year, I often feel that I am not doing both jobs the best that I could be. Teaching is demanding. If I were doing what they say I should do, I would be bringing home stacks of papers every night to write detailed comments upon. I would spend hours researching the best lesson plan for tomorrow. I would structure these lessons with special accomodations so that I would reach all learners in my classroom every day: The student who is autistic, the student who reads at a 3rd grade level, the student with ADD, the student who learns musically, the student who learns kinesthetically, the student who daydreams, the just plain obnoxious student. In other words, I would live at school and have no time for a family.

At one point this last school year, I poured out my frustrations to the veteran teacher down the hall. She told me about how she had been at the same point of frustration early in her career. She was spending her life at school trying to be the perfect teacher. Her principal said to her, "You need to understand the difference between a workhorse and a thoroughbred. A thoroughbred gets all of the honors and amazes everyone with its perfection and ability to win. But the thoroughbred burns out early. Its career is stellar, but short. The workhorse, on the other hand, plods along doing an alright job. It might not win awards, but it will be there for a long time. Be the workhorse."

It seems that women, in general, must choose to be the thoroughbred or the workhorse. You may not like or agree with that analogy, but it's 4:30 am and I'm going with it. When we balance work and motherhood, something has to give. Yes, We Can Do It. Are we going to be the best we can be at both? Probably not.



Am I advocating that we all become stay-at-home moms? No- for many people it is not economically possible. Additionally, it is often not mentally possible. For myself, I know that I would quickly go insane if I tried. I am in awe of stay-at-home moms and their greatness. What they do is incredible and anyone who minimizes their role should be dragged into the street and beaten. (Okay, maybe not beaten but at least humiliated.)

Maybe we just need to shift our (my) expectations. The "ideal" mom that we are told we need to be does not exist. She only inhabits those annoying "Parent" magazines and commercials for cleaning products. Similarly, the "ideal" working mom also does not exist. You may think you catch a glimpse of one- some Barbie-like professional who is pushing a couture stroller but, trust me: She's a mess like all the rest of us. What does exist? Women getting by. Women doing the best they can with what they have. Women trying to juggle all of those proverbial balls in the air. Women who wake up 5 times in the night to the crying baby or the toddler yelling, "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" That's reality. Can we do it? Hell yes.

(Insert shout-out to men everywhere. You guys do a lot, too.)



(Insert hysterical laughter at previous insertion from women everywhere here.)        

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Connections with Breitenbush



One of the most important places in my family is Breitenbush Hot Springs. My Great-Grandfather Merle Bruckman bought the property in 1927. His father had built and patented the first ice cream cone machine- sold to Nabisco. Wikipedia quotes, "The first cones were rolled by hand but, in 1912, Frederick Bruckman, an inventor from Portland, Oregon, patented a machine for rolling ice-cream cones. He sold his company to Nabisco in 1928. Nabisco is still producing ice-cream cones, as it has been since 1928." So you, fair reader, now have less than 6 degrees of separation with your coveted ice cream cone.

Merle built what it was to become- a unique family-oriented hot springs resort. The buildings that still exist today were ones that they built in these early days- the lodge, cabins, the family home which is now the office, and others. Last week my Grandma and Grandpa had their 65th wedding anniversary and I was fortunate to be able to join them for a couple of nights at Breitenbush (where they first met) to celebrate.

One of the things that I was most pleased to witness was the welcoming attitude from the staff of Breitenbush. My Grandma Betty had brought her photos and articles concerning the history of Breitenbush, and Dav'id, the designated historian, was happy to meet with her to discuss the early days of the resort. Betty also shared what she knew at the weekly Wednesday night Breitenbush history talk where the audience laughed at her storytelling pizzaz. Always the entertainer, she treated the audience to a down-home sing-along at the end with the old favorites: Home on the Range, She'll be Comin' 'Round the Mountain, and others. A great time was had by all. On this trip, I learned more than I had previously, and I will share some of my newfound knowledge with you here.

My Grandma told us that, from the beginning, Breitenbush was a family resort that was purposely kept affordable for families to enjoy. Many families would come for at least a week every summer, and some families stayed for a month at a time. There were lots of things to keep the people entertained. First, the hot springs themselves. People came for the advertised health benefits of the healing waters for a variety of maladies, or simply to beef up their constitution. Families with children afflicted by Polio brought their children for the hot springs as well as to exercise in the 80-85 degree swimming pool. The hot spring tubs were very different from what they are today. Instead of outdoors, they were inside and composed of long soaking tubs. After a soak, people would enter a steam room or sauna, followed by the "sweat cots." They would lay on a cot and be covered by heavy wool blankets and would sweat profusely. This was followed by a massage by either a massuse or massuer. All of the facilites were separated by gender. According to the old postcards, people would also drink the water of the hot springs to receive health benefits.

One of the biggest draws was the swimming pool. Unlike traditional swimming pools, it was fed by both the water from the hot springs and the water from the river that were mixed to achieve the comfortable temperatures. The water would completely be replaced 2-3 times a day due to this cycling. My Grandpa was hired as a lifeguard "sight unseen" as, during WWII, young men were in short supply. Bud had asked a friend what he had been doing all summer, and his friend suggested that he go to work at Breitenbush. A lucky encounter to be sure. Unfortunately, the pool was to become one of the reasons why Breitenbush left the hands of my Great-Grandfather. We'll get more to that later.

Other entertainment included the dances that were held every Wednesday and Saturday nights in the dance hall. These dances were famous and my Grandma tells of how they were mostly for the people that lived in the area. People came up from Detroit, Mill City, and Idahna to come to the dances. No doubt many young lovers met eyes for the first time across its polished floor. Merle loved music and would broadcast the phonograph records on a speaker system throughout the resort for an hour every evening.

Meals were a stark contrast from todays buffet-style vegetarian fare (which is quite good, I might add). Meals were served in the main lodge and were full-service sit-down affairs. White tablecloths provided the atmosphere and guests were waited upon- sometimes by my Grandma who did various jobs in the resort as she was growing up. In fact, the dining room was where she first laid eyes on my Grandfather. She came out of the kitchen as he was entering. I can tell that some sparks flew from the way that she tells this story. She points out that she was "pinned" (that was the term for going steady at that time) to another at the time. When pressed for details, she said that this gentleman was also quite handsome but I have to wonder if anyone could be as handsome as my Grandpa at that time. He was one tall drink of water and my Grandma was quite the beauty. I can imagine what a striking couple they must have made.


Betty and Bud Fairham June 14th, 1946

The resort was also more extensive than it is today. There was a store and gas station where people could obtain the necessities. The lodge was in full use, meaning that people stayed in its many guest rooms (today there are only 2 as they are currently working to renovate the upper floor). There were many more tent sites as well and, of course, the cabins. My Grandma says that they stayed busy throughout the whole summer. In addition to working as a waitress, she rotated to the office, store, and other locations. She says that they would do 2 hours at a time at different jobs and this must have kept things interesting. Even after she married my Grandfather, they continued to live and work at Breitenbush often during the summers. The Vista House was their family home. Today it is where massages and other spa treatments are administered and a second story has been added.

Little by little, Merle began to encounter obstacles as he was trying to maintain the resort. A series of bad circumstances occured. One winter, they hired a caretaker to take care of the resort and a large part of this job was keeping snow off the roofs. The caretaker neglected his duties, and many buildings collapsed or were badly damaged. This included the beautiful dance hall, the store, and some of the cabins. In order to try to cover his neglect, he then doused the store with gasoline and set it on fire. A caretaker of a neighboring area called Merle to inform him of what was going on, and they launched an effort to save what they could. My Grandpa tells of him skiiing all the way in to Breitenbush from Detroit (the roads weren't plowed in those days), a distance of 10 miles. On the way he passed a heard of Elk that were trapped in the deep snow and were wailing in the thoes of death. When he got to the resort with his friend, they tried to save many of the linens that were now soaked by builing large fires in the lodge and hanging them up to dry. This was the first of a series of events that would lead to the resort's closing. A flood came through another year that caused major damage to the pool and other riverside structures. Eventually the resort became inoperable and an era had come to an end.

The property stayed in the family for quite some time after its closing. Merle attempted to sell the resort, but a series of new owners "did things he told them were stupid ideas" and the property would fall back into his hands since it was bought with credit. At one point, my Grandma's sister Mary lived on the property to keep out the squatters. This woman was a ballsy lady. She had dogs tied on lines around the lodge and carried a gun. Apparently she was shot at several times from across the river. My Grandma reports that Russians, big fans of the hot springs, would try to squat in the cabins and had to be rousted out.

Merle decided that, after the bad business deals, he would no longer "take papers" on Breitenbush. He would only sell if the buyer could pay cash for the entire sum. This was a tall order, but a younger man of a wealthy family finally did buy the resort during the late 1950s. According to Breitenbush's website, "Merle operated Breitenbush for 20 years, then retired and sold the property in the mid-1950s. The property changed hands a number of times until 1972, when after two devastating floods the business was closed, strung with barbed wire and posted with armed guards. In 1977, Alex Beamer bought the land after looking at old spas throughout the Cascades. Breitenbush was his choice to begin the building of an intentional community to operate a retreat and conference center at the hot springs."

Today, the resort offers restorative retreats designed to nurture the body and soul. Guests soak in the hot springs which are now co-ed and clothing optional- something I think that my Grandma is still a little bit shocked at as she repeatedly emphasizes that when they were running the place it was a family resort. Daily well-being programs, such as yoga and meditation, are included with your stay. They yoga in which I was a participant was excellent, especially the Lion's pose. Ask me about that one. The cabins are much the same as they used to be- small and modest. Take note that you must pay extra for a toilet. Area hiking trails allow guests to bask in nature's prisine beauty. And the food is probably the best vegetarian cuisine you can ask for. I especially enjoyed the black bean brownies and "sunshine burgers."

I was also touched at the welcoming attitude of the Breitenbush staff, as I have alluded to previously. Dav'id Rath and Quija Moonflower Keogh generously offered to allow my family to come and stay as their guests at any time. As Dav'id eloquently stated, "We stand on the backs of our ancestors." I feel honored that they acknowledge and respect my family's role in the creation of Breitenbush, and I look forward to continuing this connection in the years to come. I never expected to receive such welcoming treatment, and am still in awe of their kindness... but perhaps I shouldn't be. Breitenbush is now stands of principles of cooperation, love, and respect. It is a worker-owned cooperative, and I can see that the people who work there care very deeply for this place. What once was more of a tourist attraction is now a place that can provide deep spiritual renewal.

After having the priveledge to stay at Breitenbush, I wanted to share what I had learned and experienced at this amazing place. I have tried to be as accurate as I can in my retelling. If you get the chance, visit Breitenbush and take it all in. Try to see the lodge as it once must have looked and envision the dances and music floating through the evening air. Visit the pool and picture it as it was in its heyday. After your visit, I know that you will agree that Breitenbush is a place that you will keep with you long after you are gone.




Breitenbush Retreat and Conference Center is a
worker-owned cooperative and intentional community.

Our Mission
To provide a safe and potent environment
where people can renew and evolve in ways they never imagined.

Our Credo
We of the Breitenbush Community dedicate ourselves to living mindfully in the spirit of love, unity, honesty, and service.

We see ourselves as guardians of Breitenbush Hot Springs, safeguarding the earth and healing water, assuring their continued availability to all beings who respect them. Our primary service is to provide a healing retreat and conference center which promotes holistic health, spiritual growth, and facilitates the gathering of people in celebration of the experience of life.

Our Community is supported by the services we provide. We are committed to the health and well-being of ourselves and our families, to live, work, play, and grow together harmoniously.

We mutually support and respect each persons dignity, and awaken to the Spirit within each of us which acknowledges that we are all One.

The Community is committed to a life style conducive to holistic childrearing and personal growth. Our precepts for self growth include: Personal accountability, honest communication, awareness of our actions and the quality of their results, directing our energies to the positive, expressing appreciation for what others do, correcting what is clearly not working for the community or for us as individuals, assuming the responsibility for creating and sharing abundance, and choosing and rechoosing to be together.

We structure our lives such that we can experience daily the rewards of success, peacefulness, and joy. It is our hope that the thriving community which we create will be an inspiration to others in their exploration of lifestyle and community.

We also extend ourselves to the greater society in which we live, the world community, and commit ourselves to being socially, spiritually, politically, and environmentally responsible.

This Credo was born of deliberations that lasted weeks in which the small circle of Breitenbush founding members worked hard to articulate its collective vision for the intentional community it was dreaming into. The Credo has remained as written, unchanged, since voted and agreed upon by consensus in the late 1970’s.


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Thyroid Update: Commence "Sucking it Up."

So, the much-anticipated appointment with my endocrinologist finally came this morning. First of all, I am so grateful to have a friend that has my back and would take time off work to go to the appointment with me. Wow, Katie- we're lifers. Her presence made the appointment much more bearable, one of the reasons being the pleasant chatting on other topics both before and after. She also took detailed notes and asked good questions. It was like having my own personal secretary that is also my best friend. Kick a**!

I went in with the attitude that I was ready to take action and begin some sort of treatment for my thyroid a.s.a.p.. However, in discussing my blood tests, plans for conception, and symptoms, the game plan changed. Here's the deal: Apparently in my situation, there isn't a clear-cut, "right" course to take as far as treatment. According to Dr., my levels are still on the low end of high. My symptoms, although annoying, aren't as serious as they could be and, if monitored carefully, should be tolerable through a pregnancy- as in my last one.

In our lengthy discussion of my treatment options, Dr. made it clear that the choice was up to me regarding the path that I chose. He was leaning towards a course of antithyroid drugs (PTU) for a year and then see if my thyroid recovers its normal function. However, this would mean putting of pregnancy for a year and then seeing what happens- the end result of which very well might be staying on the drugs during pregnancy anyway. Another option, which I was seriously considering at one point, was to take radioactive iodine to damage the thyroid and then begin a course of thyroid hormone. This option, as with the last, would require me to put off pregnancy for a period of at least 6 months. Being a school teacher, I might as well wait another year. Surgery was never really on the table. No thanks.

I then brought up the option that he had said at the very beginning of the discussion: Do Nothing. I think this threw him for a loop, since here I was saying that I was ready to treat it and how soon can we start? Once he regained his bearings, he indicated that I could "Suck it up" (yes, these were his exact words- thank you, Dr. for being a somewhat normal person) and deal with my symptoms and then be monitored carefully during the pregnancy. If the levels were to spike dramatically, I would then take the antithyroid drugs... which might have been the outcome even had I elected to wait a year. Using medications during pregnancy comes with a risk, but, in this case, the risks appear to be small and the benefits would clearly outweigh them. Last time around my levels were "off" throughout the pregnancy, but were never to the point that would require intervention.

Why is this shirt man so hairy? Really?

I'm feeling pretty good about my decision. Now to commence "Sucking it up." I think that one of the things that helps me is taking active steps to decrease my stress levels. I'm working on that in a variety of ways, and school is almost out. Hells yeah. Clearly that will help immensely. If I need to let some things slide until June 10th, that's okay. Floors not clean? Refer to the magnet on my fridge that states, "A clean house is the sign of a wasted life." The dry eyes are another annoyance and Dr. recommended simple eye drops. Hungry? I'll eat. I'm sticking to my "No Sugar" pact until July 2nd (my birthday party- hope you're coming!) as well. Also need to work on getting more sleep since that helps, too. Speaking of which, I'd better wrap this up.



I also feel better having "come out of the closet" with this thyroid issue. I feel like I've been hiding something from people who I'm not super close to, and I don't want to have that feeling anymore. Yes, I have some symptoms that I have to deal with. Yes, a lot of people have it much worse than I do and I'm feeling pretty grateful that my situation is this manageable. I also feel much better having a "game plan" and some sort of definitive course of action, even if this means doing nothing. I have a follow-up appointment in 6 weeks, at which time we will have the same conversation and see how things are going. In the meantime, I am Sucking it Up. Take that, thyroid!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

My Thyroid Sucks

What's going on with me right now? My thyroid has revolted. There is dissension in the ranks. It has seceded from the union. Well, I guess I can't blame the thyroid itself. I have been diagnosed with a condition called Graves' Disease. (My endocrinologist would like to point out that this is not a grave disease, but is simply named for Irish physician Robert Graves who first described this condition.) This is a condition that occurs when a person's immune system begins to attack the thyroid. In other words, it is an auto-immune disorder. (To be more specific, my antibodies are attaching themselves to the surface of my thyroid. This causes my immune system to target my thyroid.) The result of this attack on the thyroid causes the thyroid to kick into overdrive, resulting in an overproduction of thyroid hormone. More information can be found here:


This all began when I became pregnant with Julia. I volunteered to be in a study of expectant mothers and their thyroid levels. My blood tests revealed that my levels were "off" and I was monitored throughout the pregnancy. I continued to be monitored after Julia was born. Sometimes thyroid levels can be abnormal during pregnancy, but then return to normal after a few months. My thyroid, however, continued to run a little high, but was "borderline" according to my endocrinologist. He suggested treatment, but my symptoms were very mild at this time (normal for me... but perhaps not for everyone) and I chose to take the "wait and see" approach.

Just about a month ago, I decided to go in for another blood test as I have a standing order in effect. Since we are considering another child, I figured that it would be a good time to go in. I figured that this lab test would also prompt a conversation with my endocrinologist about my thyroid and pregnancy. It turns out that this test revealed that my thyroid is, once again, running high- but this time higher than it has in the past. I also noticed that I began to have increased symptoms- nervousness and anxiety (unfortunately this is one of them and it doesn't help anything), weight loss more than I would expect from my exercise and eating habits, thinning hair, and, just in the past week, eye dryness and irritation (which is also very annoying). I also seem to be exhausted and hungry all the time.

Thyroid gland

Maybe I should back up here. The thyroid is a gland in your neck that is shaped like a butterfly. The thyroid controls your metabolism (how quickly your body uses energy). When it is overactive, this results in a higher than normal metabolism and can cause other serious side-effects as well. I'm sure you're thinking it would be great to have a higher than normal metabolism, but trust me- your body is totally out of whack. You feel nervous and shaky and it is seriously annoying to have constant hunger. I probably had mild symptoms for a long time, and my endocrinologist thinks that I could have had this condition even before becoming pregnant and not realized it. Or there is another possibility.

I have learned that a stressful life event can sometimes trigger the onset of Graves' disease. A death in the family, divorce, or a pregnancy. In my case, it seems that the pregnancy may have been the trigger. I remember in my first trimester being really anxious and just freaked out in general. Sounds like normal pregnant behavior, right? Well, perhaps in my case it may have been the result of something more.

How am I feeling right now? In the last couple of days I've been feeling a bit better, and a lab test on Monday revealed that my levels have gone down a smidge. I believe I am at the point now that I am ready to accept that there is a problem and that I need treatment. This has been a hard pill to swallow. The idea of being on thyroid drugs the rest of my life does not make me happy. However, neither does my hair falling out or feeling like I'm on an emotional roller coaster all the time.

So what are my options? There are essentially 3 categories of treatment for hyperactive thyroid: Surgery,  anti-thyroid drugs, or radioactive iodine. Surgery is more risky because it can damage other important things around your thyroid, like your vocal chords. Yeah, I might want those. Any surgery is risky, and the other options seem more feasible. Second, antithyroid drugs act to suppress the thyroid. One of them, the most recommended during pregnancy, is PTU. There are risks associated with this as well. For instance, if you get a sore throat or any sort of infection then you are supposed to stop taking the drug immediately and have a white blood cell count test. Turns out that PTU can cause your WBCs to drop to dangerous levels during infection. You have to be carefully monitored while on this drug, and allergic reactions can happen rarely.

Finally, radioactive iodine followed by thyroid hormone pills. This is the treatment that my endocrinologist had originally suggested, but I was, at the time, unwilling to take this course. The iodine is, in fact, radioactive and works to destroy thyroid tissue. Essentially, it achieves the same outcome of surgery by eliminating the overactive thyroid tissue. It works because the radioactive iodine concentrates in the thyroid, acts quickly, and then leaves your system in a matter of days. It also has a very short half-life so that it decays to a non-radioactive state quickly. Long term studies have shown no link to cancer due to the radiation. The medical community has been using this treatment since 1939 and hundreds of patients have been followed. After the thyroid tissue has been destroyed, the result will likely be hypothyroidism or underactive thyroid. Thyroid hormone supplements are then taken to provide the body with the necessary amount of thyroid hormone.

(Good for you if you're still reading. It's long, I know.)

So what's the big deal? Why am I writing a huge blog about this? First of all, this is a medical issue that has caused me a great amount of stress and anxiety over the last 3 years. Add to that the fact that the issue itself has probably exacerbated the already stressful situation by causing more stress and anxiety as a symptom. Additionally, it has been hard to accept that I have this condition. Part of this is due to the fact that I did not want to be on a medication every day for the rest of my life. As someone who has been relatively healthy for their entire life, realizing that I am vulnerable and am in need of medical help has been difficult. However, acceptance has been made easier by the increase in symptoms I have been experiencing recently and my motivation to relieve these symptoms is now high. I am ready to be feeling more even, more normal, more steady, and more myself.

I am also sharing this information with you because I feel that it is important to be honest with the people in my life about the effects that my thyroid may have had or has had on my... state of being? Is that the right word? I'll provide an excerpt from the book "My Thyroid" which was recommended to me by my physician:

"The hyperthyroidism of Graves' disease can be an extremely stressful emotional experience.... By the time their thyroid problem is recognized, some individuals have endured months or sometimes years of anxiety, excessive emotional reactions, sleeplessness, weakened muscles, and physical exhaustion... Patients need time and the support of family, physicians, and friends to recover their emotional stability and begin to trust their bodies again. And it's not easy. Psychiatrists refer to this as a post-traumatic stress disorder and point out that the emotional liability often does not end when the thyroid problem is recognized, or even when blood levels have been restored to normal. A new personal problem or sleepless night may cause patients recovering from Graves' disease to wonder whether they are still sick, their condition has worsened, their medication is wrong, or the radioactive iodine or antithyroid drug has permanently changed them. These doubts may revive all of their earlier anxieties, as if they were sick all over again."

That makes it sound pretty depressing. I am fortunate in that my levels, although high, are not exactly off the charts. I can't imagine the severity of the effects that I would feel if my levels were higher. However, I think it is important to acknowledge that there is a level of not trusting oneself and ones emotions during this process. Is it just me being anxious, or is it my thyroid? Am I just anxious because I know I have this problem? You can see the circular thought processes that begin a positive-feedback loop of emotional chaos.

As I have not yet begun treatment, I wonder how the recovery period will affect me. Will my emotions change? Hopefully for the better, but I am expecting that it might be a tough period of adjustment and learning what is the new "normal" for my body.

My appointment is scheduled for Thursday morning, and I hope to have my questions about treatment options answered and decide on a course to take. But I think that the most important thing for me right now is being able to say:

"Hi, I'm Laura and my thyroid sucks."    

  

Monday, April 25, 2011

A Very Literary Monday


Today I stopped at a coffee shop on my way home: Spring Creek in Milwaukie- shout out to them, it's a great place. They have a bookshelf with various reading materials for customers to peruse, including children's books. Another reason for a shout out. At any rate, I made three selections: Favorite poems of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, The Winnie the Pooh Storybook, and The Complete Tales of the Brother's Grimm. Figured that these would get me through my 20 minute stop with plenty of intellectual stimulation.



I first selected a few poems from the table of contents in the poetry collection. I particularly enjoyed "The Rainy Day" and also "My Lost Youth" for which he is well-known (I think). I believe I read this poem in Senior Survey of English Literature, but wait- Longfellow is an American as was pointed out on the book jacket. Scratch that. At any rate, the lines, "A boy's will is the wind's will, and the thoughts of youth are long, long thoughts" repeat themselves at the end of each stanza, and the result is quite favorable.



Can you relate to these poems? I think all of us can.

Second, I thumbed though the Pooh book. The book touted new illustrations by E.H. Shepard, indicating that this was an earlier edition. The actual book was in kind of bad shape, hopefully due to lots of love. There were only three Pooh stories contained within- including the one when Piglet is surrounded by water. If you haven't read the complete Winnie the Pooh stories, then you are officially directed to do so by me, your impromptu literary advisor. Don't forget "When We Were Very Young." My favorite poem in there is, of course, "The King's Breakfast." This poem is just plain fun, and if you don't smile when reading it then there's something just wrong with you. No offense, but there really is. Making a funny voice while reading it outloud is also advisable. 



The King asked the Queen...

Finally, I skimmed through the table of contents of Grimm's Fairy Tales and settled on Cinderella, a story I have never actually read. Ugh. Lets just say that Disney has taken some liberties. Actually, I'm glad I read the story and it encourages me to read more of the Brothers' work.


Reading this sparked my curiosity about the Cinderella story. According to Wikipedia (insert grain of salt here), the story has its roots in Ancient Greece. Interesting. Apparently the Disney version draws upon the more popular writing of the legend by Charles Perault in 1697. Fairy Godmothers are a lot more fun than amputation. Bibbity bobbity boo.

It's Grimm.
The best part of this literary experience was, by far, the inscription found in the Brothers Grimm collection. I wrote it down and pass it on to you, fair reader, here:

"Rick + Tina: Found this book for cheep in I.F. Some classic tales 4 U 2. Tina you're beeootee FUL + deserve such classy tales. Rick, you are honestly one of my favorite dogs. You think like me + I'm sure we understand one another even more than we care to admit. Anyway Merry Christmas 12/31/89 (Illegible signature)"

I think I could write a story that revolves around this inscription. It makes me wonder, what ever happened to Rick + Tina? Clearly the book is out of their hands now. It also had a penciled-in price inside of the cover... was this the "for cheep" price, or was it sold later? What happened to the mysterious so-and-so whose name I couldn't make out?

Here's my fairy tale ending: Rick and the Mystery man, upon realizing that they do, indeed, understand one another more than they cared to admit, ran away together to live happily as man and man. Tina, happy to be rid of the effeminate Rick (she never did understand why he had a carefully guarded bra collection), went on to pursue a career in professional shopping. When she met Tony, the inspriation for Tony and Tina's Wedding was conceived. No longer having a use for the Grimm Collection (she did agree, however, that she was deserving of such classy tales), she used the thick volume as a doorstop occasionally until its eventual placement into a paper sack whose destination was Powell's (where else?). The rest, as they say, is history.

So, kids, are you feeling a "happily ever after" coming on? Works for me. That's a lot packed into 20 minutes, but it was a great way to start my week. Hope it is for you, too. See you in the next installment.


A dream come true.


P.S. Cinderella is my favorite "classic" Disney movie. I don't care how sappy it is, but I cry every time. I cry when the sisters rip up her dress and I cry when she has the other slipper in her pocket. Cinderella is such a lovely underdog to root for. I think she's gotten a bad rap and is stereotyped too much for her own good. She is a kind and loving person, even in the face of adversity- something I think we could all strive for. In the end, it is this sweetness and eternal optimism that is rewarded. Too bad she had to get a man to be fulfilled, but, other than that, I absolutely love the movie. Oh, what the heck. I love that she gets her man.

P.P.S: My favorite "modern" Disney movie is "The Little Mermaid." I sung the sh*t out of that soundtrack (on TAPE) and even had the T-shirt and sheet music. Another shout out for Emma who bested me with her amazing red scarf filling in for Ariel's tresses. Damn, were we cool. That was definitely THE Disney movie of my childhood. Best Disney song ever? "Part of Your World," thank you very much.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Decisions, decisions...


Two paths diverged in a yellow wood...


Decisions, decisions... right? Every single day, decision after decision. This leads to an interesting question- what motivates us to act the way that we do in a particular situation? Why might you act one way during one situation and another way during a similar, but slightly different, situation? Why might you think certain acts permissible under a set of circumstances but not under another? Here is a note worthy activity (With video questions! Yay!) from PBS that explores "hidden intuitions" that influence decision making in regards to moral dilemmas. Take the quiz:


If you prefer to skip the video questions and go straight to the article, you can cheat here:


In the last few weeks, I have been faced with some rather important choices. Moments of impasse when my decision will have significant impact on the way that the proceeding events will play out. A person looking back on his life will see clearly the moments that made a profound difference in the way that the rest of his life advanced. For instance, in 5th grade my Mom took me to an open-house event for the Milwaukie Track Club. I happened to like the uniforms, and began track as a result. 5 years later during track, I meet the person who is to become my best friend during high school and beyond. Thank goodness Maroon and Gold looked appealing to me. Freshman year of college, I knock on the wrong door and stand face-to-face with the man I will marry. The wrong door? Or the right one?



This leads to the ultimate question: Is our life driven in a prescribed direction? In other words, do you believe in "Fate?" For me, there are two ways to look at this question. On one hand, it is kind of nice to think that our life has had some sort of "plan." We were meant to meet someone, we were meant to knock on that door, we were meant to be who we are. Sounds great. Everything happens for a reason. This conveniently allows us to explain lots of unfortunate things that happen in our lives, as well as the amazing events. Even when something totally, completely, and utterly sucks, we can still claim that there was a reason for its occurrence. I will say that operating under this assumption does force us to find the good in things. A place for everything and everything in its place.

And now for option #2: There is no reason for anything, we weren't "meant" to do anything that has ever taken place in our lives (although we may have learned from experience, and that's usually a good thing). Our life has innumerable forks in the road at which we could have taken the other option, and, you know what? Our life would still be our life, and we wouldn't even know the difference.

If you ask me, the fact that we have the capability to ponder these two options is fairly impressive. Most species are too wrapped up in the business of survival to entertain such fanciful delusions. If we look back at the course of human events, however, it is clear that we like to find meaning for our existence and to ponder the "big questions." From a scientific standpoint (I think you know me well enough to know this by now....), however, if our species had not evolved (maybe the K-T event was a near miss) then what questions would there be to pose? Too... much... thinking... !?!  



Some days are like that, even in Australia.