Oh, Snap.

Highlights and lowlights. Snapshot of my week.

Lowlights:

- Feeling like I have to put on a front of pleasantries with the casual "How are you doing? Oh, good... etc." quick hug exchange. Glad that people ask but it certainly isn't the time or place to be real.

- Sorry, pulling out your phone with pictures of your newborn grandbaby is upsetting. So are conversations about painkillers. Random.

- Having even less patience for meetings and people that always have to say something. The longer you talk, the longer we all have to sit here. Frustrated by being worn out by 3 days of meetings then being exhausted by the time I actually have a day to work.

- Having my classroom and other various things at school be so strange... because last I was here I was pregnant and everything about my life was different. Wondering how I can talk about this with my students this year and how that will be. It's the unexpected and unknown that is the worst.  

Highlights:

- Starbucks/lunch from friends and real "How are you doing?" chats.

- Offers to cover my classes from colleagues who get it. This is something tangible and useful that I may really need. Grateful.

- Having another person who has experienced this loss say that yes, people say stupid stuff and don't even think about what could be upsetting... and that they just have no idea what it was really like or what you have been through. Can't really blame them- how could they know? At least I'm not the only one who experiences this.  

- Honey badger doesn't care. Where have I been all this time?

- Free Ben and Jerry's! "Great things are happening!"

- Gorgeous view of a purple Mt. Hood at dusk with a full moon. I don't know if I'll ever forget that view.

- Making the coolest "learning targets" signs for my room ever. "I know the parts of the macromolecules! Oh, snap!" "I can tell the difference between plant and animal cells! Word."

- "Fried Green Tomatoes" and a spiffy wax seal from my Mommy. I really needed to own that movie! Thanks, Mom. Here's to kick a** women. Here's to survival.

Back at It.

It's kind of a weird time right now. Going back to work comes with a lot of mixed emotions. I do want to get back, but at the same time I can't help but think how different we thought things would be right now. Preparing to put a baby into childcare, get our new routines established, and who knows what else. Nothing is how we envisioned it would be right now and these milestones continue to remind us of that. I continue to connect with women who have also lost babies and that has been very positive.

I do feel a peace with Claire's life and death and gratitude that I am her Mommy, but that doesn't mean that I don't want my baby or that when I see toddler girls with their baby sisters in tow that it isn't a reminder of how we wanted our life to be. Connecting with others who have been through this experience and knowing that it is okay to talk about her is such a breath of fresh air.

Random: I don't buy into the "everything happens for a reason" mentality. I guess that just is not part of my world view or spiritual outlook. I was talking about this with a friend today. It is human nature to try to see the good in every experience and I will be the first to say that Claire's journey had many positive outcomes. I would live through this all again even knowing what would happen just so that we could have her. What is your belief? Does this idea bring comfort to you? Is it all part of a plan for your life? I believe that humans can actively find a reason for everything in order for it to make sense or can find the positive in any experience. This is possibly an essential human trait. I suppose that everyone sees life through their own lens and each of these is cut, shaped, and colored differently based upon our experiences. I think that the most admirable thing is not to presume the lens of another.

Julia does talk about Claire and we recently started Julia's scrapbook together. She hadn't been interested until now and I think it will be nice for her to have. When I started crying yesterday evening when it hit me that so many things about this school year are different she asked if I was sad about Claire and then repeated what we have said to her so many times: "If you think about her she'll come back to you. Is she coming back to you now?" I don't cry all that often anymore, and not in front of Julia very much at all, so I was gladdened by her nurturing response.

We had a great trip to Michigan and I'm hoping to maintain the relaxation I experienced there. We'll see if that is easier said than done. I have realized more than ever that there are so many things that are more important than work. It's not worth the stress to get wrapped up in things that just aren't worth it. I think it will be an intense year nonetheless. I'm not exactly sure how to discuss Claire with my students, but I know that they need to know the circumstances surrounding my return to work and how this year is different for me. I'm thinking of a discussion about Life, it being Biology after all.

This is kind of a random blog- I admit that I haven't had the blogging enthusiasm that I sometimes posses. Probably something to do with the return to the school year melancholy and not knowing what to write. Topics that I think of seem trite in comparison to what has really been on my mind. Additionally, I feel that by writing about some of these things nearly exclusively that I am presenting a skewed view of what I've been doing. Rest assured that life goes on. Last week I took Julia to Oaks Park, OMSI and, today, the Zoo! Trying to spend a lot of time with her while I can. Lunch dates with Jerre downtown have been nice in these last couple of weeks of freedom!

Have had a lot of fun getting together with my peeps, too. La Dolce Vita with Sarah B. was a wacky highlight! Get a load of, "A man who agrees to live like this is a finished man, he's nothing but a worm! I don't believe in your aggressive, sticky, maternal love! I don't want it, I have no use for it! This isn't love, it's brutalization!" Something about "miserable bleakness" or some such thing thrown in there, too! As she said, "What a trip!" Seeing my good friend, Sarah W., from college and having margarita night in Michigan was much-needed. Reconnecting with family there and staying with my amazing Aunt Cindy was great. Shoutouts to all of my other family and peeps who keep life fun. You know who you are! Couldn't do this without you. Thanks for readin'.

Cupcakes, Olympics, and White Castle. Yum.

First of all, I am so glad to be out of town. There's something to be said for a change of scene and I know I needed it. I have so many great memories of visiting Plymouth and I'm hoping to rack up some more on this trip! My Aunt Cindy has been so supportive of me, especially in the last year, and it is such a gift to have this time with her and my other awesome Michigan rellies. Great-Grandma Doris read stories to Julia last night and even pretended to be a pink ghostie for her.

The last few weeks have had some big events. Claire's stone was completed and Jerre and I placed some of her ashes. It really felt good to have this portion of this journey completed since it was a long wait for the stone to be completed. I chose a little heart-shaped urn that really only held a small portion of her ashes, but it was the prettiest option. We brought pink and white roses and had some nice time there that day.

We placed the heart directly below her picture. It is really nice to see her looking right back at us when we visit her stone. "Cupcakes for Claire" was a sweet event to have others see her stone. Best. Cupcakes. Ever. We blew bubbles, made "magic wands" (Julia enjoyed being turned into a frog and jumping around!) and enjoyed our sweet treats. Thanks to all that were able to join us.

Last week I was also on the phone with the genetics people 3 days in a row- not my favorite thing to be doing. Tired of having this still hanging over our heads. Current plan is to send her DNA to the expert on mitochondrial DNA at Columbia University. Pearson's test will be done there. If negative, other mT DNA testing could be done. Why this hasn't happened already is beyond me, but trying to let it go. I think that the last 6 months have been one big lesson in embracing powerlessness. Not saying that I'm a fan or that I've learned how to do it, but I am certainly realizing that there is nothing much in life that you can control except how you respond.

The morning of the cupcakes event I also started Claire's scrapbook. It was a big hurdle to get over- just the actual starting and the pressure to make it "perfect." So far it looks absolutely beautiful and shout-out to Sarah to helping me with a few pages that I wasn't sure what to do with! Feels good to have it started and have something to work on.
My goals for the next 10 days or so:

1. Watch Olympics
2. Sleep (which conflicts with #1, so hmm...)
3. Chill out
4. Eat White Castle

Sounds good.