For All that is our Life

The holidays are a time that I look forward to every year without fail. This year, however, they are tinged with sadness as well as joy. I am searching for ways to keep Claire in our hearts as we navigate the season in what would have been her first Christmas. Today I took Julia for a special "Girls' Day" at the mall, one that I'm sure has been long overdue. We started by having her portraits taken and, inevitably, the place was crawling with babies. I've acclimated to seeing babies everywhere and am usually able to simply smile, but today was more impactful. I thought of how different our portraits might be if she were here and how I would love to see both of my girls in a beautiful picture. Julia, too, must have been noticing all of the babies and baby pictures and said, "We had a baby, but she's gone now. We buried her, but we can always remember her." "Yes," I replied, "We can always think of her and when you do it means you're being a good big sister." Some days it's easy to recite this script with Julia and some days it is much more difficult.

I am grateful that I have found some ways that we can celebrate Claire and her life along with our holiday celebrations. We will order engraved ornaments that bear her picture for our close friends and family along with finding special ornaments for our own tree. It's challenging to find appropriate ornaments that don't say "Baby's First Christmas," but we have had some luck. A simple pink glass ball with an engraved charm attached will be a sweet reminder and Julia picked out a ceramic duckie ornament on our way out of the mall today. She carried it all the way home and couldn't wait to unwrap it once we arrived.

We have also set up a Memorial Fund for Claire through Friends of Trees. If you normally make charitable donations around the holidays, consider donating a tree in Claire's name. You can click on the link here: http://www.friendsoftrees.org/one-time-donation-form and then select "Donate to an established Memorial Fund" under the Donation Category drop-down menu. Simply type in Claire Zahm for who the gift honors. We are incredibly grateful to you for helping us to remember her this holiday season as well as investing in our ecological future... and it's tax deductible! The most serendipitous part of our participation, however, will be the Gift Tree Planting that is planned for this spring- the day after Claire's birthday. We knew we wanted to do something positive for her birthday and nothing is more life-affirming than planting beautiful native trees that can be enjoyed by many for years to come. We would love for you to join us at the planting event on March 17th as we plant our trees. (You can find more information about Friends of Trees here: http://www.friendsoftrees.org/meet-us)

We are also navigating our way day-by-day through expecting another baby. We are now in the second trimester but still have not received results of the first trimester screening tests. An ultrasound at perinatology is scheduled for next week and we are hoping that things are positive. However, Claire's problems weren't detected until after her birth and remain a mystery. Needless to say, there will be no such thing as complete reassurance until we know that this baby is coming home. I appreciate it when I hear things like, "I'm hopeful for the best" rather than boisterous congratulatory statements. We won't be making many preparations for baby and this is simply our reality. It isn't sad not to prepare when it is more heartbreaking to drive home with an empty car seat and face neatly folded clothes that will remain unworn. I will gladly stop at a store on the way home to buy diapers when I know they will be used. At my ultrasound on Friday, it was nice to see baby squirming around although I cannot yet feel baby's movements.

Baby is about 2 1/4 inches from head to tush.

I think that when we have experienced loss, we long for holidays that might have been or pass through milestones and anniversaries with sadness. It is important to allow ourselves to feel how we are going to feel and to support those around us as they also traverse paths that are not always easy to tread. We are capable of feeling great joy and also great sadness all in the same moment-  for this is All that is our Life.

The tiniest hand.

"For sorrow we must bear, for failures, pain and loss, for each new thing we learn, for fearful hours that pass: we come with praise and thanks for all that is our life. For all that is our life we sing our thanks and praise; for all life is a gift which we are called to use to build the common good and make our own days glad."