She once was a true love of mine.
I listened to this song today. Please say hello to one who lives there for she was once a true love of mine. It wasn't until I had moved through my day that I realized that this song could be about me. Sung to myself. No man singing about a lost love, but a woman singing to her youth. See for me her hair's hangin' down, that's the way I remember her best.
I remember the girl watching the night from the roof. She once was a true love of mine. The warm summer night wind. The restlessness of youth. Pessimism and optimism all rolled up together. The luxury of worrying about things that don't really matter, or that do. Musing over loves both lost and found.
5/29/99
... I like the Ayn Rand thing: "When I die, it is not me who dies. It is the world that dies." What a nice thought that is. All the filth disappearing forever. Granted, there are some beautiful things which man can put on his transcript, but who actually appreciates them nowadays? Like, 5% of the world or some sad number like that. Could it just be Western Civilization rot? Do I feel this way because I live in America? Or is it because I'm actually educated that I realize the sad truth? Plus adding to it all is the fact that we repress ourselves and our desires so that we're all these stifled individuals that have no outlet for their true personalities. Societal Conventions! What is and isn't done! People don't let themselves have any real fun! Because they're so boxed into what people will think of them. Well fuck that. Since we're only here for half a second anyway, you might as well do whatever the hell feels right and good whenever you want to for crying out loud! In the end, it won't matter anyway! (Mind you, I'm talking about fun stuff like riding around crazily on shopping carts, etc.) To sum it all up- what does Charlotte say?
"I concluded it to be part of this great plan that some must deeply suffer while they live, and I am thrilled in the certainty that of this number I was one."
Wind
PS. I got a new diary to start after graduation- as a way of totally leaving this high school SHIT behind!
6/11/99
Lexi and I chilled @ the mall. Anyhoo, we mostly checked out guys and looked at Austin Powers merchandise. AND, I got me a DARIA sticker! They have about 5 different ones @ Hot Topic- I'm trying to resist the pull into the Black Hole of consumerism! But it's sooo hard! But, duh, I look around my room and already see a bunch of crap that I don't need. So yeah. I guess the highlight was talking to ma mere a whole 5 minutes in bed and sitting on the roof making up a nifty song that's probably gone forever now! I dreamed about stampeding horses the other day- then riding one through the house like a game/contest thing. Weird. Will I ever grow up? Let's hope not!
Wind
8/6/99
I guess the big thing for me today was getting all emotional while watching the movie of me when I was in about 3rd grade (read: It's 1991! It's 1991!) Mary when she was first born... I was so happy then! So innocent and untouched by the world, so free instead of weighted down by anxiety and troubles. "Where did that person go?" Was the only thing I had to ask myself. So uninhibited! So bouncy! And now I've morphed into a Daria clone! It's really depressing to me. It's as if all my world was once full of sunshine and slowly but surely, so that you could hardly notice, a large black cloud has settled over the landscape- turning it into a dismal, rainy place.
Great. And I look back to when I was a freshman and realize that I am a totally different person now! Imagine what will have happened in another 4 years! I don't want to do it, but I know I have to. One day at a time, right? But certainly this was not the whole day. We went to the mall (just the girls!) and I found (GET THIS!) the combo soundtracks of "Laura" and "Jane Eyre!" Are these not two of my major passions in life? Cosmic, man. And a short cotton dress that I actually like. My, my. We mini-golfed in the evening- I forgot my camera! How lame is that? Oh and plus, watching "The Wonder Years" got me depressed about losing childhood, innocence, etc.
Wind
I'm a-wonderin' if she remembers me at all
Many times I've often prayed
In the darkness of my night
In the brightness of my day
Though I've re-read them several times over the years, what I see in my writing from that time changes as my life evolves. This time, I'm both saddened and slightly amused by the fact that I was asking the same questions about my "lost youth" as I am today. I love that my pessimism is paralleled with unbridled excitement about the coolest ever CD that I purchased. Wow. I hope you enjoyed, fair reader.
