"Real isn't how you're made, it's a thing that happens to you."

SO... after a series of unfortunate apartment events, it appears that I will be moving again shortly after the holidays. Which sucks. Because yeah, I really wanted to move... again. But as a good friend of mine quoted, "You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." Unfortunately I've been sandwiched between neighbors that have made my life miserable for the last month. I'm pretty sure that the kid upstairs is a descendant of the Vikings. Now there's a family that needs "Love and Logic!" Oh, the pounding. Oh, the screaming. Oh, the humanity. The folks below me get home around 10:30 and commence "normal life" activities like shutting doors, opening cupboards, taking showers... which is all fine and dandy unless I actually want to try to get some sleep.

I'm trying not to beat myself up about all of this... clearly I could not have predicted the ability of my neighbors to p*ss me off. Everyone has to live their life and they are living theirs... but being at "home" has been too stressful to sustain. Not only that, but I've been a sleep-deprived, half-human wreck. But I still feel kind of dumb. After living in houses for around a decade, clearly there is no going back to apartment life. In fact, I don't know if it can be said that I ever did experience true, honest-to-goodness apartment life. Ever. Okay, there were the dorms... but basically I always had my own room and it was relatively quiet... shocking, but true. Then we moved into a townhouse for several years and had neighbors on either side. Though we definitely heard our fair share of "interesting" things ("You're so lazy! Get me my shoes!"), the hours kept were fairly normal and there was no pounding on the walls. Oh, Idaho. "Where all the women are strong, the men are good looking, and all the children are above average." (Ahem, yes, I am aware that this refers to Minnesota. Same difference.)

Long story long, I've applied to rent a little house... In Gladstone. Because that's what is available for what I can afford and the place looks manageable. It won't be my dream home, but I actually will have more square-footage than the apartment for less rent. The girls will enjoy having a yard to run around in and it will be nice to have a third bedroom again. Julia will be in the school district so transportation won't be such a headache. And hopefully no Vikings will decide to raid. Note that I haven't missed the irony in the fact that I'm going to be living a mere hop, skip, and a jump away from our old house. Yep, got that.

On another note... the holidays. It's the most wonderful time of the year... right? I absolutely do love Christmas. But it's hard. The bereaved among us know how hard it is to "get through" the holidays... and that's about what it amounts to some days. My daughter has left a hole that is impossible to fill. I know that my life will never be the same because she was here... and then gone. So far this has been the pattern- I'm a mess leading up to Christmas and then on the actual day it seems to be okay. That means I've been a mess. I always miss her... but then when the big dates come around, I feel her absence more clearly. I'll spare you the details, but it just sucks. And I hate that I'm this sad. But sad really isn't the right word- it's more like empty. But even that isn't really the right word. I'm pretty sure they need to invent a new word for whatever this is... but no one would ever want to say it anyway. So I guess the right word is Grief. As another bereaved mom put it, "F*cking grief. It's such a d*ck." YES. Not to mention a few other things this year that have sucked.

Of course there are good things. Every day. And yes, I am incredibly grateful for them. "It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." My living children exhaust and invigorate me daily with their vibrance. Christmas is going to be soooo fun with them. Santa is coming!!   "SANTA! OH MY GOD! SANTA'S COMING! I KNOW HIM! I KNOW HIM!" And this year, we have the Elf on the Shelf thanks to my Mom... and apparently the elf is so convincing that Julia couldn't change her clothes in front of him because he's watching. Maybe... too convincing.

Well, here you are and here I am and, look! You've read this far! Congratulations! I know we all post our happy pictures of our 'perfect' holidays this time of year... and we need to remember that every person is fighting a great battle. Sometimes the holidays aren't so merry or we struggle to put a smile on our face when we're really feeling Grinchy. So lets remember that for each other, shall we? Remember to look beyond the surface and dig a little deeper so that we get to the 'real.' How are you doing, really?

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'