A rock and a hard place.

Ever feel like you're in two places at the same time? Or more? Yeah. That's what's up. Loving a baby, missing a baby. Parenting living children and our child who died. Granted, it isn't every day that is a Claire day, but there have been more of them recently. When we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary, I looked back on our innocence and naiveté and longed for the days when we never thought the unthinkable was possible. Audrey also attracts a lot of attention wherever we go, and inevitably starts a baby-themed conversation. A couple of days ago, a Grandma at a play area launched into a story about how her niece had a 2 lb "miracle baby" who fought like a champ and is doing just great. I swallow the lump in my throat as I wonder why my baby died. A mom in Target asks me how far apart my children are and how I like that age difference. Yes, well... it was going to be different. "Is this your second?" Umm... couldn't you just assume and move on? Why does anyone need to ask that question? Seeing babies who are the same age as Claire everywhere we go. And the crème de la crème... "We were so sorry about Claire, but now you have Audrey to replace her." I couldn't even speak.

It seems like every day is a minefield. What random stranger is going to say something next? Inevitably, I just don't know how to respond. I'm torn. What feels worse... the awkward silence that ensues? The follow-up comments and questions? Or not saying anything? At this point, I just don't know. Hence the rock and a hard place. Claire is a very special part of our life and part of me feels that random people don't deserve the information... and because people are so weird about grief they feel guilty for having "reminded" you about your loss. At the same time, it feels like opening Pandora's box... I can't anticipate their response. I'm a sensitive person, and my heart is broken. Right now I'm just trying to get through the day, take care of all of my girls, and try to keep my head above water. I don't know if there is a solution to this dilemma. Right now, it just is. Thanks for listening.

“Not everyone can understand how you can spin two lassos at the same time, one of hope and one of grief.” — Vanishing Acts (by Jodi Picoult)

Audrey is so amazing, as all babies are. I am incredibly grateful to be taking more time off of work this fall to spend with her and Julia. It will be the first fall since I was 4 that I won't be either starting school myself or teaching. Wrap your brain around that one! I'll never have this time again and I'm so glad to be taking it. Props to stay-at-home moms who do this gig every day. Good God. I know I'll be ready to go back when the time comes. Excited to pretend for a while, though, and not just for the summer. Storytime and swim lessons, here we come.

Big shout-out to our Michigan rellies for an amazing trip! My Grandpa Ted famously would say, "Get that baby's feet in the grass!" In honor of him, we put Audrey's feet in the grass for the first time in my family's home town of Plymouth at the park. This one's for you, Grandpa.

   And since you made it this far, here are your bonus pics. You're welcome : )