Gratitude, Goddamnit!

I am really trying to feel grateful for what I have today, and every day. But, let me tell you, it is a struggle. I know that I have so much compared to so many people. I own a home, I have a beautiful daughter who is incredible, a husband who isn't completely crazy (only a healthy amount), and enough food to eat. However, this year is tough. I've taken a pay cut and, as my income is the larger piece of the pie in the family, we are feeling a hit. Buying a home, too, has put on the squeeze... even before this year's cut. I'm working at the after school tutoring program at school twice a week unti 5 in order to attempt to break even, but often I'm checking the bank daily to make sure that we aren't in the red. I hate, hate, hate thinking about money all the time, and so wish that at more "flush" times in my life I had realized how lucky I was.

Why is it so hard to let go of these things that are completely unnecessary, and for most people have always been out of reach? Why is it so depressing not to be able to have the freedom to do whatever whenever? Partly it is because I have tasted "the good life" and am now having to adjust to a different reality. Partly it is because I talk to people every day who are going on trips, eating at gourmet restaurants, and buying new clothes. Every time someone talks about going away for the weekend, I have to admit that I just want to throw up. I want to say, "Gee, that's really nice that you can afford to do that. You should be grateful... and shut the hell up about it!" Additionally, we live in a culture that tells us to consume. Tells us that we need to buy, buy, buy and that we are entitled to have these things. We are owed. We deserve it. 

This is clearly a lesson in humility and gratitude. I am trying to be grateful for what I have. I am trying to feel happy for people who are going out of town this weekend. I am trying not to harbor jealousy. I am trying to make peace with the fact that we are working so incredibly hard and are exhausted every night just to stay on top of everything. It is overwhelming, and the holidays make it harder. 

You won't find sugar-coating in this post, but what's the point of having a blog if I'm not going to tell it like it is? This is what is going on with me right now. Everyone talks about the economy and how it sucks, but sometimes the "numbers" are impersonal. Well, it's personal for me. What have I learned? That all those years that I had money, there were probably people just like me now that wanted to throw up when I was talking about the next trip I was going on or the last movie I saw. Now I get it, or at least I've had a taste of what it is like to walk in those shoes. I also hope that I will be lucky enough to never know the depths of true poverty, because what I am having trouble accepting would be laughable for so many people.  

Here are a few things I am grateful for today: My house feels too small, but the roof isn't leaking. I can type this blog on a computer. I know how to read. Although I don't have a lot of clothes, I have enough and a washer and dryer with which to clean them. I have people in my life who care about me and my family. Julia knows how to do a puzzle, and that's pretty damn cool.   

If you count all your assets, you always show a profit.  ~Robert Quillen

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.  ~Epictetus

Courtesies of a small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.  ~Henry Clay
Only a stomach that rarely feels hungry scorns common things.  ~Horace